1. Start out by making a list of a bunch of humans you'd never want all in the same room at the same time, and then proceed to invite each and every one of them to your Thanksgiving dinner.
2. Resign yourself to gorging from Thanksgiving until New Years Eve, when at that point, you will stoically join a gym, go for 2 weeks, and never return, ever again.
3. Thanksgiving morning: Wake up. Grunt something about "...fucking traffic".
4. Remove 9 years worth of clothing off of home treadmill in an attempt to find it for rumored post Thanksgiving workout.
5. Once shower water reaches 82º, wash human thoroughly under soapy running water.
6. Remove any stray facial, ear, chin, nose, tongue hair that might cause human to human revulsion during Thanksgiving dinner.
7. Carefully drape the body in clothes or circus tent that can successfully hide your soon to be, deteriorating physical state.
8. Transfer expensive, store-bought, world renowned bakery desserts into shitty household tupperware as to create the illusion of your baking skills and abundant Thanksgiving efforts.
9. Simmer in traffic for 3-17 hours or until brain is tender enough to shoot anyone even looking in your direction. If you haven't done this, you haven't sat in traffic long enough, and must go back and repeat this process or Thanksgiving just isn't the same.
10. Female humans: Spend roughly 1-4 hours rehashing and carefully dissecting every potential jab made at you at last years Thanksgiving dinner, and the year before, for no reason other than, it feels good.
11. Spend additional 3 hour car ride to dinner, berating your husband or spouse for claiming he didn't pick up on any of it.
12. To better prepare a human for inevitable snarky comments at table,
carefully go over your "what if she says this…what if he says that" lists in the car ride over there.
13. Always arrive on time, with homemade food, wine, flowers and a smile on your face. And half trashed if you can.
14. Upon arrival, pickle brain promptly with approximately 1/2 gallon of alcoholic beverage of your choice, to help diminish Thanksgiving awareness.
15. Look for something resembling a cornucopia, raise to lips. Pretend you're the dude from the Ricola commercial playing the Flugalhorn. Clean up fruit from floor.
16. Set timer for about 35 minutes; Time how long it will take for that one predictable asstard that's destined to try and impress us with his/her factual knowledge about the sleep inducing affects of the Tryptophan in turkey.
17. For proper digestion and retention of ones utensils, do not talk about Obama anything.
18. Lie about the hosts ability to retain the moistness and juiciness of turkey despite your Ginsu steak knife, your saliva, and 32 gnashing teeth not being able to break it down.
19. Take unbearable friend or family members ass measurements to see if they'll comfortably fit in your oven for next years Thanksgiving dinner.
20. Be gracious and express gratitude toward people who contributed all the delicious food on the table. To all others whose food wasn't swallowable, point rudely at them and giggle.
21. To guarantee the prompt elimination of oneself and/or visiting additional human families at the end of the night, in replace of egg nog, drink 12 raw eggs to spur on Salmonella poisoning.
22. Take note of how annoying and misbehaved all kids are when they're not your own annoying, misbehaved kids.
23. Prepare human for dessert by discreetly unbuttoning pants while no one is looking. Refluff shirt.
24. Using a hot oil thermometer, test gravy temperature to see if dumping it on someones lap is even worth it.
25. Observe droves of women toiling in the kitchen and the man clusters half asleep all over the couches. Observe.
26. To prevent calories and fat from adhering to stomach and thighs, eliminate plates and forks, eat cake and pastries directly from box. This is female-verified scientific data.
27. Go to the bathroom.
28. Lift up shirt. Assess damage.
30. Stuff towels under door crack to muffle screams.
31. Be truly thankful for all your wonderful family members and friends.
32. Walk quietly and classily toward your car. Close car door. Start verbally throwing some people under a bus.
32. Forgo cell phone game apps and instead spend the ride home playing connect the dots with your new cellulite dimples to pass the time.
33. Stare at brake lights. Curse turkeys.
34. Get home, go to your bedroom and pass out*****.
*****Actually, did I ever tell you why you'll be extra sleepy and pass out ? Well, it's not because you're just full. It's mostly because turkey meat has these really high levels of this sleep inducing chemical in it that is naturally produced in our own bodies to help induce sleep. I'm not sure if you've ever heard of it. It's called tryptophan.
:)~
~dawn
