I've heard this before. That someones best quality is often their worst quality, too. I believe this to be true. I've consistently seen this through others, as well as know this to be true of myself. Someone that'll tell off a rude person somewhere can be a good thing because at times, you might say, feel protected with that person. But that same person has the ability to anger and tell you off as well, when maybe you didn't deserve it. Or if someone is cute and shy. Seems like an endearing quality, and then someone is bad to someone they should defend, and they do nothing, because they're 'cute and shy', and afraid to look 'bad'. Our qualities are great at times, and not at others.
As I said earlier, I know this holds true for me as well. I feel my best quality is that I give my heart, and of myself to whatever I do, and to whomever I'm with. Friends, family, lovers, etc. I give and give genuinely to people that I get a good feeling from. And my worst quality is the same. I love hard, and have a tendency to feel not only people's happiness, but their pain as well. I'll also give my heart to anyone before I'm able to know if the time and dedication that goes along with that, was earned or will be respected. My only reasoning for this is that I trust my gut before I trust hard core facts. And by saying I trust my gut, I don't mean I pursue things that I know will necessarily have a positive ending in the conventional sense. What I mean is, I follow my intuition because I know I ultimately seek out what I need at that time in my life, my instincts guide me and I feel they will somehow lead me correctly in a direction to gain a specific insight I hadn't had before, that I'll need to learn from in order to pursue the next big turn in my life.
I pride myself on living my life by not just breathing, but by living it emotionally alive and aware, with big feelings, and big passion, and big hopes and often without hesitation to apparent consequences. I do my best to indulge in the surrendering of a feeling, be it good, or bad, sadness or happiness, laughter or tears…whatever it is I'm feeling, I'm in it because I love to feel, nor am i afraid to feel.
Growing up with not much, I've learned to see beauty and opportunity in what others might see as glaring flaws and a reason to abandon something, whether it's in people, in objects, in love, in romance, in pretty much everything I encounter. I like to work with what I have and not what 'should' be, by societal means. However, mediocrity is not something I'm good at accepting in myself. And for all I know, that mediocrity could be viewed as exceptional in someone else's eyes, but I'd never know it, nor see it, nor accept it as a claim, because I expect a lot from myself, on many levels.
I bring this up for a point I'm trying to prove to myself.
This way of thinking unfortunately leaves you feeling you've done nothing great, accomplished nothing special, and are therefore worth nothing. It manifests in your life as you becoming used to, and completely comfortable with all that is out of reach--be it goals, healthy relationships, and with everything else important that you'd like, because you yourself set it up that way, convincing yourself that the magic and beauty that truly resides in you, is not there --now--, but somewhere in the future. You feel you're not worthy enough, in where you currently are, to expect nor request something from others that would validate your person at this moment.
My personal philosophy is that not one living soul nor any living entity has ever grown from walking a painless path. Pain is a path to enlightenment and discovery. Metaphorically, my instincts are to always walk a more arduous road than an easier one, a more slippery slope, one by myself, rather than simply expressing discomfort in a situation, opening up the possibilities for dialogue and discovery, and finding easier solutions than stuffing down pain.
That has had it's place and role in my life for sure. But recently I've looked at this and I'm not sure it's working to my benefit anymore. It's making me hurt and be okay with hurt. It's making me too familiar and content with ambiguity. It's making me shut down the communication skills I usually pride myself in sharing.
And so I write this to me today, to remind myself that a change of perception in who I am, and of what I require out of life, and from the people that either permanently or temporarily occupy that space with me, seems to be in order, for me to truly grow in the right direction. And that's what I want to do. Grow.
That has had it's place and role in my life for sure. But recently I've looked at this and I'm not sure it's working to my benefit anymore. It's making me hurt and be okay with hurt. It's making me too familiar and content with ambiguity. It's making me shut down the communication skills I usually pride myself in sharing.
And so I write this to me today, to remind myself that a change of perception in who I am, and of what I require out of life, and from the people that either permanently or temporarily occupy that space with me, seems to be in order, for me to truly grow in the right direction. And that's what I want to do. Grow.
One day I'll get it right. I haven't yet, but I will. One day.
