Saying you're single has always carried this weird stigma.
Like you're somehow that Lone Lost Dryer Sock of the dating community or something.
Granted, anyone whose dated knows the dating world can be brutally aggravating at times. Lots of immature drama, gross tongue-darting kissers, and blind dates that when you go on, you wish you were the one that were blind.
But once you've been married, as I myself had been for 13 years, you realize just how much more aggravating marriage can be, and how carefree and satisfying dating can be by comparison. This is not to say that marriage can't be a harmonious, loving union between two people. It's just that I'm not going to be the one saying it.
So seeing that I've been on both sides of the relationship fence, I'd like to not only share my observations on being knee deep in a serious relationship / matrimony, but also to verbally illustrate the less obvious, more advantageous aspects of being single.
Let me start by saying, in marriage or any committed relationships, there's an endless list of expectations that go along with it. Alot because of that damn word "married". It ruins everything. It's so 'MARRIED'. Last I checked, I think it weighed like 46 lbs. and the shipping was outrageous. And that's even before anyone gains their "I'm married weight". It's super laden with time inquiries, money arguments, quests to the outlaws houses, and demands to hang things up properly centered, and fights because they're usually not.
And while it's true that being married may mean you can comfortably tell your other half all of you're deepest, darkest secrets, it's also true that you're cleaning they're deepest, darkest underwear stains.
I know I know, when you love someone, that crap's not supposed to matter (pun absolutely intended) Maybe. But still rather hard to "strike that shit from the record" once you bore witness to it.
Versus when you're single. There's always the freshest, newest underwear involved. No dingy old underwear with dried out, overly stretched, crunchy elastic waistbands. No beige grandma bras. But instead, shiny new super heroine pushup bras from porn shops, and crispy new ass hugging boxer briefs. When you're single, skid marks are only something seen on the highway. That's being single. I say, we're off to a good start.
As importantly, when you're not married or in a serious relationship, lucky you... there's approximately 26 less farts per week you'll have to pretend that you didn't hear. I call this progress.
As opposed to when you're single/ just dating someone, no one ever defecates right? Nope. Not at all. No farting either. Not allowed yet. I think I actually once lied and said I left something in my car so I could go outside and fart. It wasn't a complete lie, I believe I left the fart in the car.
I think we'd actually prefer to systemically poison ourselves by voluntarilly imploding than use our dates bathroom to empty our intestines.
So therefore, when you're single, you're viewed as pure. And so there's theoretically no dirty underwear decorating your laundry baskets. Which if i haven't impressed upon you enough as of yet, is a guaranteed buzz kill.
So thankfully, single/dating couples, in the heat of passion, will never have to worry about seeing their partners stained, grimey underwear on the floor, because seeing that no one poops, that would have to be something like the Immaculate Conception of the Underwear World. Come to think of it, when you're married, there no longer is that 'in the heat of passion' vernacular anywhere to be found, so underwear being torn from your body and displayed mid-center-floor isn't of real concern anyway.
Once you're married for years, sex, one day sadly becomes intercourse. Then it becomes reproduction. That's when suddenly there's calendars, calculators under your ass, fertility testing strips, egg timers and Mayan sun dials involved. That once, raw, primal, spontaneous, sensual thing tragically becomes as precise and computed as a NASA Space Probe launch. ("Don't cough honey. I'm goin' in.")
And after years and years of marriage and screaming kids, sex can basically become as rare and hard to prove it ever existed as Atlantis.
Actually, i think there's even more proof of Atlantis existing, down at Epcot Center in Disneyworld. The display window down there for 'Marital Sex' has a "This Exhibition Is No Longer Available" sign in front of it, with a pair of shit stained underwear hanging from it.
When you're single, sex is sex. It's still SEX. Good or bad, it's always new, thought provoking, and visceral. There's face licking, toe and eyeball sucking and words exchanged that would give a priest a ripe heart attack.
And seriously, even if you both just lay there like logs, you're both still two freshly cut logs.
Also, when you're in the lovely maritally committed scenario for a few years, and you're bending over all day, its usually because you're thanklessly picking up your kids sticky toys.
When you're single, its because you're picking up your own sticky toys. I just did a coin toss and being single won.
A small point, but key for germaphobe singles- when you're not in any kind of committed relationship, you can be rest assured that the soap in the shower only had YOUR ass on it.
And of course, the same goes for the toilet seat. Only your ass on it. Plus there's no one outside the bathroom door impatiently awaiting their turn to stink up the bathroom. So there's no advance reservations required. You can hang there as long as your butt desires. Technically, if it's just you, you can basically read half of Barnes and Nobel in there. So pooping for singles can most definitely have a cultural slant to it.
Possibly why they say 'you learn so much being single'.
Lets not forget that when you're married and you're a woman, cooking mouth watering dishes every night is somewhat expected. Culinary prowess, a must. Dinner parties. A must. Courses? Must.
A subscription to Bon Appetit and little white skirts on your Thanksgiving turkey drumsticks? Double must.
However when you're single, you can hang over your sink like the Hunchback of Notre Dame, shoveling your third bowl of expired Tooty Fruitees cereal into your face for dinner, squirt a 6 month old can of Reddi Whip onto your uvula for dessert, and call it a night. Dinner is served.
And while we're on the subject of Thanksgiving, let me remind you that when you're single, there's no shuttling back and forth for holiday dinners from one persons annoying family to the next. It's a no-brainer. You just go visit your own annoying family. One down, none to go.
Another benefit. Fighting over the air conditioning becomes a thing of the past.
Its inevitable that when 2 people consistently share a bed, there's A/C wars. It's either too damn hot or too fucking cold. No two people are ever thermographically in sync.
When you're by yourself, the controlling of the climate in your bedroom habitat is your call, and your call only. You are The Thermostat God. You singlehandedly rule your mattress empire. Freezing you ass off or sweating your balls off. Just the way you like it. Now if it's cold in your room, its because you choose. Not because you're married for 10 years and getting the natural runoff of sleeping next to an emotional iceberg. Although the latter can definitely save on air conditioning bills for sure. I'd know.
When you're in an all out fight with your husband or wife, you still have to lay in the same bed with them later that night... with that heavy silence in the air....pretending youre sleeping, trying to not make your eyelids not twitch. This is no easy task. The eyelids always twitch.
But the nice thing about being single is, when the guy or girl you're dating isn't treating you how youd like, you simply roll them off the bed, down the stairs, and out the door. Thanks to the invention of the wheel, unless you so choose to roll them into oncoming traffic, we have a relatively harmless, effective, yet simple solution.
It's seems so clear to me now. When there's no binding piece of paper between 2 people, you can quickly flush any annoying relationship down the toilet like a dead goldfish.
No lawyers, No fights. No house selling, No custody battles. Simply, drop and flush, and away it goes. Nice and easy. Right into the public waste management system for some other prideless fool to sort out.
If a single woman or man wants to see someone they like, they just call them. And the worst that can happen is, the person says no, and they dont get to see them. Big deal, a little ego bruise. At least hazardously shaving your genitals is off your itinerary. When you're married, its quite the opposite. If you DONT want to see that person, the worst that can happen, always does... you DO see them. They still come home...horny...with their unshaven genitals.
Yes, being single now means taking out my own garbage, and having to take multiple trips to the hardware stores for miscellaneous stupid Home Depot nonsense, that I'd normally pass off to a caveman.
But now my garbage is remarkably lighter, is in floral scented bags, and it's free of oversized toenail clippings, beard stubble residue and an occasional loogie.
Plus I've learned that an attractive single woman walking into a hardware store looking for advice on screws and S clamps, is quite identical to an oiled up, naked Venezuelan centerfold walking into a death row prison camp. You get tons of help. So now I walk around my house with a splintered broom handle, voluntarily busting all the lightbulbs I can reach. Whoops. Out of bulbs, Hooray!
And lastly, the most important advantage to being single versus being in a fully committed deal is this. If you're not happy with your spouse during the course of your marriage, even if you're full out miserable, you still have vows to keep in mind.... Those damn binding vows.....'TIL DEATH DO US PART.'.... Ooof. Death. Funerals. Aunts you haven't seen in years. Quite the heavy package deal.
But when you're single, and a guy or a girl treats you like festering cow poo, and you decide you're done, the only vow you need to stand by is self respect and ..."TIL YOU ANNOY ME". So next time you're feeling sorry for yourself because you're just dating some idiot who doesnt treat you right, and everyone else around you is seemingly happily married, grab a handful of rice, throw it over your head, and celebrate your biggest advantage: You dont have to sit around and wait for them to die before you're out. Seriously. Just call a cab people.
