Toy Story: The X Rated One

***The following story you're about to read is not intended for those under 18, (they are blocked), those who practice political correctness, nuns, priests, born again christians, people who shop at Mormon-Underwear.com, chastity belt manufacturers, mahjong players, polo players, bible thumpers, mothers of Westport, vagiphobes, peniphobes, or anyone else who thinks that sex is purely a tool for reproductive purposes. What you are about to read may be deemed as crude and crass and wreaks of classlessness and pina colada flavored Astroglide. So if you're the type who, like in I Love Lucy, sleep in 2 separate beds out of fear of naked body parts colliding, and thinks 'cum loud' is an honorary graduation accolade, you might wanna take some precautions before your eyes move in a southerly direction. And maybe even opt to read Pixars Toy Story reviews instead of the soon to be perused, adult toy story review, where bad taste is the main character, and lewdness is the co-star. That is unless your objective is to confirm why my writing can at times be childish, disgusting, vulgar, salacious, depraved, inappropriate, unfiltered and shameful. Quickly followed up with why I should live in a pink, rusted out trailer, eating canned Deviled Ham for breakfast and The Price is Right for dinner. Then welcome. You're amongst friends. Let me get started.

Now let's not poo poo what I'm about to say. But what's so wrong about going into an adult toy store. In my opinion, strolling into an adult toy store for whether it's lingerie, or toys, or latex cow buttocks, is so much more subtle and incognito than going to one of those adult toy parties that your friends decide to throw in their living room, where everyone even knows each others husbands, boyfriends, and gynecologists. Those I refuse to go to. I'm sorry, but I don't want my friends knowing what exact sexual preferences or perversions I may or may not gravitate towards. I don't need to get defensive about why I'm buying sperm flavored cupcake batter. (Okay, I'm just doing a little volunteer baking for some upcoming Westport PTA meetings, if you must know. )

Nor do I need to know why my friend's buying pomegranate flavored stilettos and a dildo called The Shaquille O'Feel. Or why my girlfriend's buying her boyfriend a live chicken that 'coincidentally' comes with a bag of corn feed-covered hot dog rolls for his penis. I really don't. Do your thang. Leave me out of it.

So for my money, adult toy shops win over parties. And even if you're uncomfortable with complete strangers seeing you there, you can just snatch one of their S&M masks off the shelf, and casually walk around making your selections that way, and maybe even grab a whip, to ensure a better place in line.

There are however, 2 things about adult toy stores that can be awkward. One, is that they actually have a guy, carding you at the door. Nice. So now they know my car, license plate number, my complete name, and my exact street address. Which tends to be a little unsettling when you're usually walking out with an electric penis. And two, they usually test the batteries AND the toy, simultaneously, up at the cashier desk, when there's a full horny line of people behind you watching. Seriously? Don't bother. I'll buy it broken. No surprise that I steal my stuff when I go there, and I'd encourage you to do the same.

Which brings me to the best part: adult toy store merchandise.

Anyone whose ever been in an adult toy store knows its pretty much like walking into a party gag shop with a seriously bad sexual twist. Like you know those infamous gag toy 'peanut cans' that rattle when you shake them, like you think there's peanuts in there?? But you open it and a coiled up fabric snake pops out? A porn shop would sell that exact same ridiculousness and somehow make it a sex toy. So instead of a fake snake surprising you and launching out of the can, a big black dildo would. Probably with a snakes face painted on it. And 2 nuts. And they'd call it, " Rocket Dick"....or something subtle like that.

It seems that if you want to become rich fast, come up with an idea for a new sex toy. Everything seems to pass inspection in porn shops. And while in the creative process, you can easily leave your embarrassment by the weigh side knowing this is an industry that approves products like Suck My Nuts candy covered peanuts they sell up at the front desk and Whoopie Cushions that fart out Astroglide. It's an entrepreneurs wet dream. I think that may even be one of the names of their toys. Entrepreneur's Wet Dream.

Here's just a sampling of a few real product names / actual sex toys that are selling off the shelves and making money in adult toy stores:

1----> Captain Pecker, blow up, man doll

( Great likelihood that I dated him.)

2----> Bareback Mount Him, blow up blue latex male doll ( you've seen the movie now... hump the pool liner?)

3----> Fatty Patty, inflatable obese woman (Reviews were sketchy. No one knew when they were actually supposed to be done blowing her up.)

4----> Area 51 Love Doll--a 3 boobed alien blow up doll, with ass shaped ears.

(yeah)

5----> The Accomodator, chin strap-on dildo

(As useful as the Post-It note??)

6----> The Luvin lamb, inflatable...*ahem*...fuckable...baby...animal.

( Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase 'animal lover'.)

7----> iGasm, a snap on musical enhancement vibrator attachment for your iPod

( I think iphones have an app for this already.)

8----> The Oral Sex Snorkel

(Discovery channels Deadliest Catch Crew to perform fellatio on the sperm whales?? I'm stumped...see pic below.)

9----> The Vagina Foot, foot fetish toy

(100% screwable plastic, severed foot. Classy shit.)

10----> The Middle Finger Vibe, a vibrator in a middle finger

(A popular choice in The Bronx, I suppose.)

11----> Baby Jesus Butt Plug

(wow. Talk about being agnostic)

12----> The Auto Suck, an automatic dick sucker that plugs into your cars cigarette lighter.

(actual quote on the box : "Do Not Use While Driving.")

                      ----------------------------------------------

Yes sireee, those were all actual, manufactured, money making products.

So seeing that I had about 13 years in advertising myself, I couldn't help but create a few new products of my very, very own.

I hope you'll enjoy the next few minutes strolling down Dawns Toy Store aisle:

Dawn's Actor/Actress inspired Blow up Dolls:

1. Angelinas Holie

2. Demi Moore Moore Moore

3. Hermans Pee Wee

4. Banana-Rammer (*Only available in the brunette chick)

5. Johnny Deep

6. Courtney Cocks

7. Sandra Buttock

8. Sigourneys Beaver

Dawns Toy Inventions:

1. The Pud-ometer : Thanks to the technology brought to you by the creators of the foot pedometer, now comes the Pud-ometer. Count your way 'by the pound" to her next orgasm. Using the brilliant L.E.D. pump display, now you can easily count even in the dark! Simply tape it to your butt cheeks and start counting. The man with the lowest number wins! Perfect xmas gift for the highly competitive male.

2. "My Friend Richard" : Cleverly tagged and disguised as ''Richard",... ''Dick" the dildo will be virtually incognito anywhere you take him. So need need to worry about your boyfriend finding you two in bed together... that is since he's ..... ''just a friend."

3. The Eliminator : Ahhhhhh, shit fetish, you say??? Now with our handy pooper scooper bag of recycled dog and cat shit, your fecal fetish is only a cats purr away. Just break open the pooper scooper bag, fling, smear, and go to town. No more needless worries as to whether or not you'll 'be able to perform' on the spot. Trust us, there's no shit like this out there. Approximately 12 movements per bag. (comes in a zip lock resealable bag for guaranteed freshness.)

4. Weeeeeeee This is Fun!!!!!! : Hey, When ya gotta go, you gotta go !! With "Weeeee This Is Fun", wee-weeing on someone has never been so precise! Our colorful new face and body targets make peeing on someone more challenging , skillful and confidence building than ever before. Just stick them anywhere you want and let the fun begin! Made out of compressed toilet paper for easy clean up. This is the Weeee System everyones talking about. And for normal people who find this revolting, look for our "Weeeee This Is Gross!!!" Blindfolds. (Sold separately.)

5. Willys Wonkas : Satisfy more than just your sweet tooth with these edible dildos! Available in a variety of confections,.... forever suck on the 'Never Ending Gobstopper' flavored dildo, or try our XXX large dildo in Hersheys Choke'a'lot. It's like winning the golden ticket! (Side effects reported are frequent transformations into a fat oompa loompa. )

6. The MuddaFucka : Listen up Ladies, dis is da real deal. There's nuttin' quite as lifelike as this fuckin douchebag. This Mafia approved, real live penis, comes freshly packed in a cooler on ice, right outta da back of someones trunk, and delivered right to ya front daw!!! Hey, someone screwed you??? Now it's your chance ta screw dem. You give us da names, we'll send you da goods. Allow 24 hours for specific orders. Sizes will vary dramatically.

7. The Reddi Whip : Next time you want to lash out at a loved one, do it in style with our fashionable 100% genuine Italian leather whip. But this is a whip for those with a little taste. Unlike other whips, with every thrash, you'll experience a cool refreshing spray of moms homemade whipped cream... just to "cool things off a bit." Guaranteed to have her screaming..... "gimme more Massar! " Available in regular or fat- free. (This product is perishable. Please refrigerate whip immediately upon delivery. )

8. The Wind Tunnel : Nows your chance to turn your very own embarrassing trapped sex air into productive, earth friendly energy! With our ergonomically designed vaginal fan, you simply position your sex-air filled self on top of it, and away the fan goes! With The Wind Tunnels award winning design, and 3 speed selections, it allows you to effortlessly dry your laundry, your toenail polish, or just save BIG on a/c bills. So ladies, theres no need to ever apologize to your man anymore. With smaller electricity bills, he'll be thanking you. (no batteries required.)

9. Crotchety Old Crotch : We've taken cougar lovers to a whole new height. M.I.L.F. you say? Try G.I.L.F. Figure it out. Portable, lifelike post 8 children, 6 grandchildren vagina. For a more mature crowd. Available in XL only. Please specify color: Grey, Bald or Thinning.

10. The Cock-Adoodledoo : Women have been doing this for years!! Now men can join in on the fun too! Guaranteed to get your tired ass outta bed, once this alarm goes off, this revolutionary penis shaped alarm clock sprays a mysterious hot fluid all over your lazy self and you'll jump right outta bed. So guys, you never have to worry about missing that meeting again. No snooze button necessary. Make your own damn refills.

11. The Ball and Chain: You've all heard of the ole ball and chain. Now OWN the ball and chain. You'll enjoy hours and hours of wild abandon with our new 1200 lb. steel ball and chain. It's as easy as click and go. Simply clip the cuff at the end of the chain to your spouses ankle, take their cell phone away from them and go, go, go!!! Go out all night, EVERY night with whoever you want, without ever having the useless worries of being called or followed. Your freedom is just a click away. (Ball and chain available in natural steel, or pink glitter.)

12. The Ejacu-LATER : Harder and harder for you to hold out.?? Designed for a definite delay in orgasm, this simple inner ear recording device allows easy playback all of your wifes nagging comments and requests. "Did ya take out the garbage,?" "..You said you were coming home earlier,"..." Did you fix the faucet yet?"..." Are you getting a raise soon ?", " How come you cant remember anything.", "Who's that bitch on your Facebook page?" And magically, the urge is gone. So when you feel like you cant hold out anymore, click the handheld start button ...and just listen. *Poof* Your sexual excitement will wane in no time.

13. Pretty Petunias Pornstar Petri Pole Purifier: Capture all your favorite porn stars chiggers with this new breakthrough, easy to install invention. As she slides up and down this pole, the newly patented clear Lucite strippers pole with multiple high velocity suction holes, captures all the cooties off your favorite hootchees cootchee. The clear Lucite also allows for hours upon hours of entomologists like study afterwards for the whole family !! This product cannot be returned. (porn star disinfectant kit sold separately. )

Thank you for visiting Dawns Exotic Toy Store Aisle.

Please come again.

And please allow 3 1/2 years for all orders. I'll need time to start making these things.

Sex, Boxing and Fetish

Take a few seconds to read this email I just received on my Myspace personal training page regarding, what was titled as: 'One On One Training with you' .....


Email from 'Ty' :



Hi Dawn, I'm looking to do a one-sided (I don't fight back at all) boxing session, and possibly wrestling. I want you to beat me up, and the session ends when I can't get up.

If it makes a difference, I'd pay $800 for this, and the session should not even take an hour. 

I would supply a waiver, blood test, and anything else you need. 

Let me know if you would be interested, you can contact directly at: billthomas-jr@hotmail.com (my real name is Bill).

Sorry to bother you if this is not your thing.

Thanks, and I really hope to hear back from you 

Ty (Bill)

---end----

I was a little confounded. 
I opened his Myspace page. And there it is. : 

About me:
I am part-time fighter, in very good physical shape, and I'm looking to get dominated by females in private wrestling / boxing sessions. I travel for these sessions as well.
Who I'd like to meet:
Any woman who would enjoy beating me up, and get paid for it.
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Alright people. I get women dressing up like schoolgirls and having sex.
I get ropes and gags and threesomes and whipped cream and bad girl stuff. I totally get that.
I get women being a little rough with men, and men being a lot of rough with a woman. Hot. Got it.
I can even get a man dressing up like a rhinoceros or some barnyard animal to have sex. I can sorta kinda maybe wrap my head around that. I said maybe. But it's slightly possible.

But 2 things I can never seem to scratch out a fantasy in, is 
A) A man dressing up like a woman during sex, Excuse me but, wtF. 
and now the latest..
B) A man wanting a woman to beat the living snot out of him, break his teeth, shatter his septum, and him handing you 8 Benjamins. Fuzzy. I'm real fuzzy on that one. 


My response:


I do see 1 glaring problem Ty. We haven't yet dated. 
In order for me to want to passionately beat the crap out of a guy, the prerequisite is generally for me to have dated him- and it ending with an assortment of dramatic Italian hand gestures / door slams and a slue of unreturned phone calls on my behalf. (This most commonly being the result of some newly unearthed male asshole tendency.) So to want to smack you upside your head, having a tumultuous history is somewhat key Ty. Uh...Bill. Whoever you are.. Then, hell yeah. Game on.
Otherwise, I just see this 'beat me up session' as an opportunity for me to make the next mornings obits. So save your 800 bucks dude. You'll need it to flee to Mexico after you've beheaded some woman and fed her remains through a sausage grinder.
But hey, thanks for the creepy offer.
~d
---------end---------


It got me thinking...
hmmmmm...
Maybe his mom used to beat the shit outta him, and then said she was sorry, and that she loved him more than life itself, and thats why he wants to harken back to the abuse.
Or maybe he was deficient in experiencing some type of physical discipline as a child.
Or maybe he has some repressed guilt with some woman, that he feels he was never properly penalized for.
Or maybe it's simply that he's some hellbent perv who wants his ugly undateable head squooshed between some hot womens perineum.
Intutive. I've been called that.


I might be a little off here, but I believe women love men because...they're men (a show of hands please).
They behave like men. They have fight in them. They're stronger than women. Theyre supposed to be. They can physically overpower, and protect a women. Crazy notion. 
I mean, the intensity of that natural law is fetish in and of itself. Yes, some women may like being strong (not me of course ), but what really turns them on, is to know that their man is undeniably stronger. Or maybe that's an unfair generalization, and that's just crazy little ole me.
Women secretly love handing that damn stuck jar that they cant open to a man. We bang and twist and grunt to no avail. He opens it without a visible flinch. We silently melt. And continue preparing the gourmet Fluff and banana sandwich with raging hormones.

Men don't run around and scream when a bee lands on them (fine. I do that). They don't cry at commercials of children with distended stomachs and flys hatching in their eyes. They don't sit around and talk about the sale prices of shoes.... and they certainly don't beg you to bludgeon them until they crap their pants and collapse on the floor like your ailing grandmother would after just getting back from hip replacement surgery. Christ, if I wanted to take some guys money while I go off the deep end, I wouldve stayed married. 

So if a man truly wants me to overpower him, to the point of humiliation, I have one piece of advice for him: Hand over your ATM card and set me free during a Half Price Sale Day at Maurice Villency Furniture. I'll definitely dominate your ass in that arena. Otherwise, carry me upstairs, get the barbeque started, put the football game on, change my tires, and quit your wanting to get beaten like a whining girl fetish. 





;)~~